Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.

establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you

Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?

Many hands make light work

[Mom group]

New mom: My six-month-old is teething.

My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.

10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]

Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.

[later]

Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?

My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!

Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos

Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!

*turns my chair to get a better view

Me: Carry on.

God: you have eight legs.

Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?

God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.

Spider:

God:

Spider:

God: also you have eight eyes.

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

Why procrastinate today

When you could procrastinate tomorrow

More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.

Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails

Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)

*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling

a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat

[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.

What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !