Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
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Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
We avoided this particular disaster
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
I’m being attacked 😭
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.