Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.

Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.

“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.

I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?

Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?

Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?

Me: Divorce

have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job

HER: What kind of music do you like?

ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.

HER: Okay.

ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.

You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:

Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet

You: (tweeting something personal and profound)

Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

You are not alone 💚

Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market

– my wife: I’m not doing that

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said

Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*

Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.

If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.