Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

“I can’t feel my legs”

–mermaids

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain

My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?

Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.

Wife:………………….

🔦🌙👣

I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.

Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.

Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court

6: I like your necklace

Me: Thank you

6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right

Me: Not if I disown you first

bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?

ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?

I: um no that’s not

ME: I bet they use a puppercut

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book

Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet

“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”

That sucks. What’s he like?

“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”

But what’s his personality-

“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”

How’s his personali-

“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

This is a bad idea on so many levels.

3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤