Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person

Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.

Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.

Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?

This did not end as expected.

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

Me: “Can you go back four slides?”

Bride: “To the wedding dress?”

Me: “No, the cheese plate.”

Me: Wipes tears.

i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera

“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”

*Door slams

– Jehova’s Witnesses

I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.

I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…

*counts*

…twelve dollars.

(Don’t you judge me.)

my dad when a sex scene comes on

No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.

War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS

I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up

HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.

My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.