Taking your shirt off when fighting is a great way to tell the cops who to arrest.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
You Might Also Like
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police
On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*
Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.