@FredTaming

him: 911, what’s your emergency

me: a home invasion

him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes

me: they’re armed

him: 5 minutes

me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under

swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]

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@Sarcasmo718

Taking your shirt off when fighting is a great way to tell the cops who to arrest.

@AnOrangeSNES

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

@TheUnrealMattR

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

@LuvPug

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

@MyMomologue

A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.

@Darlainky

Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.

@JeffMyspace

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

@Parkerlawyer

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.