@FredTaming

him: 911, what’s your emergency

me: a home invasion

him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes

me: they’re armed

him: 5 minutes

me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under

swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]

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@dankmccoy

Insane Clown Posse is really giving a bad name to all the rational clown posses out there.

@david8hughes

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

@WilliamAder

Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.

@SnarkyMommy78

My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.

@jazz_inmypants

[Heaven]

Air Bud: who’s the new guy

Clifford: idk but he’s cute

[earlier that day]

Scooby Doo: *texting and driving*

@funnybeachgirl

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

@SufficientCharm

1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.

@Contwixt

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

@Kalarlis

should probably not think about sad things at work i mean who wants to buy a dildo from someone who was clearly just crying in the shoe room

@TheHyyyype

me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books