Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
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As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Namaste
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.