Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
You Might Also Like
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?
“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I was standing in the train station when some guy came up and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
PLOT TWIST:
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
