Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence

at least we don’t have to save for college

Yeah, I use She pronouns.

But not like a girl, like a boat.

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts

It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.

Them: life is so unfair sometimes

Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is

Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.

No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.

Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team

It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself

Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.

#vss365

89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”

getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”

Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO

Me: are they human?

Him: no they’re-

Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer

Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:

1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.