Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.

The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that

When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down

Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.

Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

Lmbo

My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.

I’m making him my new nutritionist.

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

these two trucks have the same bed length

Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.

explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]

*first day as a detective*

Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body

Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July