Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
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“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
#dnd #ttrpg
Weirdos gonna weird.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.