Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
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Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
who’s gonna tell her?
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room