Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!

The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.

No one:

My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude

Me: you’re leaving me?

Her: [walking out]

Me: is it all of my-

Her:

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses

Me:

Her:

Me: -dramatic pauses?

My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

[middle school]

Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.

Teacher:

Me: mass genocide just to name one.

Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.

“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

[at Home Depot]

Cashier: That’ll be $25

Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it

Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84

Karen, will you marry me?

“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”

*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*

*tucks napkin into my shirt*

This meal could get messy.

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK

Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does

Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon

Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao

My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”

I pointed to my daughter.

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level

I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.