Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.

Just another unrealistic body expectation for women

I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.

[ on trial ]

me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?

judge: we can all hear you

me: then I’d like an answer to the question

I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.

inappropriate Care Bears be like:

I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes,  I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”

Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.

at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

[cannibal restaurant]

server: hi, who’ll you have?

cannibal: just bring me the Bill

I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”

My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

[a boomerang is thrown at me]

me: oh no holy frickin crap !

[one second later]

me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT

it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced

wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?

me: with… with your glasses.

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!

windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

me *breaking the fourth wall*

architect: oh no

i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”