Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.

Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.

I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know

*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”

How did we decide to go with cockpit?

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family

Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people

Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.

ME: I want a normal night of sleep

MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids

People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!

Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not

My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.

Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.

Piper is a cat.

Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.

Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.

Me: What lockdown?

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb

paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?

[from back of the room]: twitter

pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

I was in the first Top Gun movie.

I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.

Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.