Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
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The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.