Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *gets in from fishing trip*

Girlfriend: did you catch anything?

Me: *sighs* just an old boot

Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.

It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”

If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will

Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?

“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”

-Amazon suggestions logic

newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?

me: it’s fine by me

newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.

m’lady

Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.

There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

“Follow me!”

Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!

(Me at an exercise class)

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.