Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

15: I smell upsexy.

Me: What the hell is upsexy?

15: Not much. What’s up with you?

This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼‍♀️

What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!

Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Roarrrr… get it?

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

After you read 5 tweets about fires, Twitter just gives you a certificate and a fire hose 😆

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*

me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries

kfc: you mean potato wedges?

me: yes potato wedges please

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.

“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.

I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”

wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices

me: ok, let’s start tomorrow

[next day]

me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home

wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!

I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.

TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach

Favourite diary entry ever

Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.

Hear me out – fortune hotdogs

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]

When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia

In scandinavia they’re called fjarts

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out