him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
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the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
This is hilarious….
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option