Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
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I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Just parrot things
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.