HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
This is hilarious….
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
