HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
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fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.