Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.

a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.

Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.

The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!

WHY?

Nothing to do, you say?

When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting

‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.

[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…

[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*

spider: yeah that way’s fine too

I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]

A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.

Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?

Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation