Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
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advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Mike is short for Micycle
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”