Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
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I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Home #decor warning.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Called it
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
I went from rags to one rag.
The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?