Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…![]()
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[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
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Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
I love art.
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My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
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Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.