Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?

-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks

I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”

Very problematic

😂🍻

You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃

[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*

*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

[first day in the crime lab]

me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists

My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.

Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation

My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.

HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!

Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.

I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store