Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.

Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.

Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it

Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy

Me: I slept through the second half of that movie

Kids: And the first half

Me: Yes

Stop everything. Everybody shut up

There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.

“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”

Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential

Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills

Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.

[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:

Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.

Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.

my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him