him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
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Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
peak technology
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.