Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.

How’s your day going?

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️

Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.

Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

Alarm clock set for 6:00 am

Bladder set for 5:54 am

just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism

ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?

Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”

Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway

I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.

HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.

Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.

As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.

[date]

Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…

*hands her paper*

Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.

The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”

*after sex, in a British accent

“Please sir, may I have some more?”

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.

They didn’t planet that way.

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

A chihuahua is just a barking cat.

My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up

January is lasting longer than my marriage