him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
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3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE