Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
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I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.
Me, at 33: I think I am too.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Can’t stop laughing
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.