Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
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I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Lmao
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes