Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
You Might Also Like
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Finally!
