Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
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the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
💀🤣
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast