Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!

Teen: rolls eyes

Squirrel Thoughts

They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.

Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof

The Odyssey must have seemed like such a goofy title when it came out. Imagine if someone nowadays wrote a book about a guy named Steve and called it The Stevening and it was taught it every school 1000 years later

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume

the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame

The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.

Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to

I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it

This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.

I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.

How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?

I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.

While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.

Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment

why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening

GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.

US: That used to be a Blockbuster.

KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.