Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit

Me: Why aren’t you in bed?

5: I need smooth jazz.

Me: Uh what?

5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!

Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work

HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-

ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?

There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.

*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:

I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.

Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.

My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order

Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.

Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.