Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
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American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
I march to the beat of my own dumb
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.