Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
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me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
We’ve come full circle
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*