him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
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I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10