Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm

Them: You have a weird sense of style

Me: *takes off glasses* Rude

Them: But true

Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example

5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.

Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.

Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.

Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.

I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first

My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

[first day as a Detective]

me: omg he was invisible

partner: that’s a chalk outline

me: [under breath] and they stole the body

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it