HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
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Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
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Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
I have many caverns
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long