HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
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me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.