HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
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Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.