HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
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i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
What kind of a cult is this?
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.