Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.

This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.

‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.

Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries

Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.

It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?

Sit. Down.

what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

“my eye is up here”

-Illuminati pyramid

Somewhere in an alternate universe

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.

– spider moms, probably

Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.

learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”

being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad

As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.

went fishing caught a bass