Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.

#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.

Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.

Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

The struggle is real

My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.

Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?

Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?

*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!

Me: That’s exactly what that is.

Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.

Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you

mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what

Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.

Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*

Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.

“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”