Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.

Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.

I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener

me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks

ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.

DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.

Me: No, cakes are expensive.

Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!

Me: How was school?

9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.

Me: Was it fun?

9: No. They stopped the bus first.

*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.

her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol

me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all

The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!

“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”

*First Date*

Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL

Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.

making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”

please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context

I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

Girl: I love Medieval Art

Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now

Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?

Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.

Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”

Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”

Me: Ping me when you are free.

Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy

Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO

I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line