Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”

My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.

Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!

My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”

[Creating Humans]

God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.

Angels: Why?

God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.

Angels: Lololol.

God: I hope they call it a funny bone.

*after sex

No, you cannot sleep over.

Husband:

This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter

harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl

Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.

Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.

When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”

I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”

Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”

When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated

Super glue dry times:

Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant

Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?

Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]

This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.