Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
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The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.