Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
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A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry