Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.

People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.

This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.

9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?

Me: Let me think about it

9yo: *gives me a hug*

9yo: Did that help?

if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in

anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!

Women: “Do you remember that time…”

Men: “No”

The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.

Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.

There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.

Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station

TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?

Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.

You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

*driving my date to the ER*

I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.

i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.

Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?

Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking

taking a toddler to the beach timeline:

-pack the entire house: 1 hour

-find parking: 35 mins

-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins

-set up all your stuff: 25 mins

-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)

-pack up… 🤣

COP: Quick, stun him!

ME: *performs perfect somersault*

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*

Me: Delete it.