Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
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Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.