Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
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Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.