Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
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My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
There is no “we” in pizza
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
This pepper has seen some $h1t.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
“No way.” -Jose
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.