Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
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Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up