Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
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16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]