Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.

Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.

My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.

I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math

CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket

Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.

Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope

Doctor: stethoscope

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.

[business negotiation]

Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.

*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*

i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve

Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?

Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*

Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t

Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.

Me: *jumps in front of a car*

Her: Dear, not deer.

My soul floating away: Craaaaap.

Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”

In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook

The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.