Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MyFitnessPal:

“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”

ONE METRIC TON!!

Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.

My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’

We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…

Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger

tger: give it back

[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.

ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”

HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss

Me: “ok”

Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.

Narrator: she would never find it again.

Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?

A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?

I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it

Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand

Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.

MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

“You’re only as old as you feel.”

Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

May your day taste like creamy soup.

VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine

me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy