Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?

Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit

Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.

Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.

Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?

You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..

A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.

It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.

I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”

Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.

See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.

6: OK. But who makes the rules?

Me:

6:

Both of us: Mom.

doctor: are you sexually active?

me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo

Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”