Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
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Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Customize Your Wedding.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?