Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.

Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.

My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.

6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.

A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.

Boss: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I’m an anti-faxer.

My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

*at the end of a 3 day weekend*

Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time

The universe: here is a snow delay

Me: no, not like that

Going to look at the small picture for a while. Tired of seeing the big picture. Too much picture.

You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?

My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.

I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”

Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.

Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me

prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

Regular gangs give you a nickname

Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.