@Sanbel11

Him: Baby are you mad?

Me:
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No, why?

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@markhoppus

Cinderella, but the Prince is searching for the maiden who matches the glass thigh gap.

@RealLucasNeff

[The Bachelor]
Some of you will be getting roses tonight…
[bee in the back]
AW HELL YEAH

@xLiserx

Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!

@zachreinert03

I’m really glad they named a park bench after my uncle in memorial. It fits, he was great at having homeless ppl sleep on top of him

@JimmerThatisAll

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

@C00LpenNAME

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

@the_anastasia

When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.

@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

@Jazzzzzmina

Not to brag, but I don’t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.