Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
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If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run