him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
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Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here