him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
You Might Also Like
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong