him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
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It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
just pretend nothing happened
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.