him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral

my wife: not a problem

him: sorry i meant 10

my wife: plenty of wiggle room still

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*Buys bat for home security

*it flies away

Being dumb is hard.


Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?


Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.


God: u can ask me 1 question
me: ok if the singular of geese is goose is the singular of sheep a shoop
devil: welcome to hell


Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment


why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it


[engagement party]
brother: show us the ring!

me: we dont have time to watch a classic horror movie Dave you dumb shit i’m gettin married


I’ll be honest, it scares the crap out of me that you guys will be homeschooling your kids.


There’s nothing more exciting than waking up with a half eaten burger in your hand.


Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.