@FredTaming

him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral

my wife: not a problem

him: sorry i meant 10

my wife: plenty of wiggle room still

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@Shellsterca

*Buys bat for home security

*it flies away

Being dumb is hard.

@rebrafsim

Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?

@BamDebikins

Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.

@EJGomez

God: u can ask me 1 question
me: ok if the singular of geese is goose is the singular of sheep a shoop
God:
[later]
devil: welcome to hell

@esbeeback

Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment

@wolfpupy

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

@captainkalvis

[engagement party]
brother: show us the ring!

me: we dont have time to watch a classic horror movie Dave you dumb shit i’m gettin married

@mamba_bad

I’ll be honest, it scares the crap out of me that you guys will be homeschooling your kids.

@garrettbarry70

There’s nothing more exciting than waking up with a half eaten burger in your hand.

@lmegordon

Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.