Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
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From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Saw online –
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.