Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol

Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”

My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.

Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”

*duck waddles into bar

Duck: Bread

*bartender takes slice out of bag

D (angry): Just leave the loaf

Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*

My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”

#Caturday

When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.

A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.

New comic up. “Ransom”

Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.

Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.

Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?

I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’

how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?