Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
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“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
goldfish mafia
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.