Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

You Might Also Like


The iWatch is awesome because it’s the fastest way to let everyone know you used to have 500 dollars.


Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.


“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.


ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else



Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.


I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.


I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.


“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”