@LuvPug

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

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@JohnPoveromo

The iWatch is awesome because it’s the fastest way to let everyone know you used to have 500 dollars.

@GrowlyGrego

Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.

@CantWaitToNap

“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.

@jonnysun

ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else

@JamieFord

WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?

Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.

@Parkerlawyer

I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.

@Jandalize

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.

@Kyle_Raney

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”