I wonder what people with house phones posted on MySpace today?
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
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I hate it when I fall in love with someone, then the light turns green and they drive away
Why would a needle even be in a haystack? Who sews in a barn?
Being a DJ is tough because sometimes iTunes won’t open.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
ITS A NELSON MANDALA. WHO EVEN COMMITS TO A PUN LIKE THAT.
I’m getting a restraining order against my debt collectors. As much as they call me it’s really just starting to come across as desperate
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.