@LuvPug

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

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@jtswhipped

I wonder what people with house phones posted on MySpace today?

@XOperfectmessXO

I hate it when I fall in love with someone, then the light turns green and they drive away

@SwoonTwang

Why would a needle even be in a haystack? Who sews in a barn?

@robfee

Being a DJ is tough because sometimes iTunes won’t open.

@TwterGun

Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?

@QwertyJones3

[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack

@ATTLien

ITS A NELSON MANDALA. WHO EVEN COMMITS TO A PUN LIKE THAT.

@zachreinert03

I’m getting a restraining order against my debt collectors. As much as they call me it’s really just starting to come across as desperate

@TheCiscoKidder

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

@weinerdog4life

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.