Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
You Might Also Like
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
get you a girl who
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids