Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#catsoftwitter

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.

“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

When he asks for feet pics

My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”

Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”

there’s gotta be a better word for you people than cinephile

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?

Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.

Me: I’m smart!

Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!

Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal

What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.

I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.

So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.

Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol

oh, you’re in a situationship?

are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?

I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.

Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?

Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter

Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola