Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
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Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
bears
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?